Playings the thing

Lights up on DUNCAN, facing the audience, staring intently at something. We can only assume it is a television screen and he is preparing to play a video game because he is holding a controller. In the couch next to him is another controller. The coffee table in front of him is littered with gamer detritus; empty beer and Mountain Dew bottles, a pizza box, an empty cheetos bag… There are similar fragments on the floor around the couch. On two end tables sit laptops, open and on. The tables they sit on are immaculate. REID enters stage left, carrying a huge glass measuring cup with about a cup of water swirling around the bottom. He walks toward the couch and pushes some of the junk off the table to make room for the measuring cup.

REID
Seriously, man. No cups? In the whole house?

DUNCAN
You live here too. You could wash some cups.
Impatiently gesturing at the screen
Hurry up- They’ll all waiting on you.

REID
picking up his controller
Your chore, my friend. You wash them, I put them away.

DUNCAN
gesturing to the measuring cup
Yeah, and then you go and use the biggest item in the whole house for a little sip of water. Why should I have to wash that out?

REID
It’s unsanitary to put it away after its had lips on it.

DUNCAN rolls his eyes and tries to focus on the game; REID joins in. Throughout the next several minutes, DUNCAN appears to get more and more frustrated, and REID seems oblivious to his friend’s frustration.

DUNCAN
You can’t go that way.

REID
Why not? It’ll get me there as well as the other path.

DUNCAN
Your whole party is going the other way. I’m going the other way. You’ll screw everything up.

REID
I swear this way’s quicker.

DUNCAN
No, It’s not.

REID shrugs and sips water from the measuring cup, then dives back into the game.

DUNCAN
REID! WATCH WHAT YOU’RE DOING!

REID
Calm down! I can take him out.

DUNCAN
Check out his level, Reid. There’s no way you’re gonna win that. Then you’ll leave us all stranded. Again.

REID
Watch. Learn. And be impressed.

REID focuses intently for a moment, then jumps up and does a little celebratory dance. DUNCAN picks up a beer bottle and stares down its neck as if wishing brew would appear. He looks unimpressed.

REID
Told you I could do it!

DUNCAN puts down his controller and starts picking up the mess on the coffee table as Reid settles back down.

REID
What are you doing, Dunc? We’ve still got trolls to slay and maidens to woo!

DUNCAN
I’m done man. Give my apologies to the party.

REID
They are not gonna be happy!

Starts playing again, continuing through the next bit of dialogue

DUNCAN
picks up a pizza box and sniffs it
This place is rancid, Reid. We have more important things to do than play a stupid game.

REID
Stupid? Game? What? Did I just hear those words from Duncan the Dragon Slayer Wainer? Mightiest of the MMORPG warriors? Sage Mage of Maidenheald? Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
Feigns flicking away a tearq

DUNCAN
Oh, shut it, Reid. Really. It’s just a game. You may not have a real life outside of it, but I do.

REID
Since when?

DUNCAN
getting angrier as he cleans
Since now.

REID
Oh! Like now, now or three minutes ago now?

DUNCAN storms offstage, carrying handfuls of trash. REID stares after him for a second, shakes his head, and returns to the game. A moment later, DUNCAN returns with a garbage bag and stands in front of the coffee table, effectively blocking REID’s view. REID tries for a moment to ignore him, but…

REID
DUNC! Dude! You’re screwing up the quest!

DUNCAN doesn’t move and REID sets down his controller. We hear a *ping* and REID perks up- he sets down his controller and picks up his laptop.

REID
There she is!

DUNCAN storms out of the room. REID shakes his head and continues his chat. There are rumblings offstage.
DUNCAN Offstage
REID! Seriously? The dishwashers full of clean dishes!


A plastic cup flies on stage, followed by a clean plastic plate and a cookie sheet. REID ignores the noise continues his chat and takes a sip of water out of the measuring cup. DUNCAN comes back onstage, carrying an armful of clean dishes. REID sets his computer aside, closing it as it powers down. DUNCAN approaches REID from the rear and begins dropping plastic cups on him one by one.

DUNCAN
How can I WASH the dishes if you don’t PUT AWAY the dishes?

REID
laughing, playing with the cups as they drop
You do know they’re all gonna have to be washed again, don’t you?
He stacks some of the cups he managed to catch on the now-fairly-clean table and picks up the controller.
Your chore, Not mine. Oh! Cassandra’s coming over in a little bit.
Tries to hand DUNCAN a cup.
Better clean up-

DUNCAN storms around the side of the coffee table and picks up the measuring cup. He looks at the contents for a moment, slowly dumps the water over REIDS head, then places it on REIDS head like a hat and taps it as if he’s happy with his handiwork. Sputtering, REID drops his controller and stands, looking reproachfully at DUNCAN.

REID
Well, THAT wasn’t very nice.

DUNCAN
I’ll tell you what’s not very nice, Reid. Shirking your housework is not very nice.

REID
How was I supposed to know they were clean?

DUNCAN
Leaving your Mountain Dew bottles and cheetos bags everywhere for me to pick up is not very nice.

REID
Hey now! You leave your beer bottles and pizza boxes-

DUNCAN
Stripping down to your underwear and sitting in the livingroom mostly naked when I tell you I might be having company is not very nice-

REID
I TOLD you I’d go into the bedroom when they-

DUNCAN
Picking up speed. REID protests throughout the next monologue but it is incoherent- mostly I-‘s and but-‘s
Parking your car in my space is not very nice. Smoking in the house is not very nice. Don’t lie. I can smell it when I come home from work. Borrowing my shampoo is not very nice. Borrowing my toothbrush? That’s REALLY not very nice. Taking my games out of the XBOX and leaving the disks out to get scratched? Not very nice. Using my computer to download porn? Not very nice. Playing Guitar hero as loud as possible at 4 am when I have to work in the morning? Not very nice. Getting drunk and running over my garden gnome?

REID
Gnomes come and go, but I really don’t see how this applies-

DUNCAN
Not VERY NICE! Paying your rent late this month- most months! Not very nice. Hooking up with Cassandra when you know perfectly well how much I care about her- not very-

REID
Wait!

DUNCAN
NOT VERY NICE!

REID
finally removing the measuring cup from his head
Cassandra? Really? Is that what this is about?

DUNCAN
NO! Leaving your dirty underwear in the bathroom sink-

REID
It IS, isn’t it? You’re totally mad about CASSANDRA! Dude-

DUNCAN
No- that’s not what-
stops protesting, swats a cup off the couch and sits down.
Yeah. Okay. Sorta it is.

REID Laughing
Dude- Really.

DUNCAN
Shut up Reid. It’s not fair. You’re a freaking slob and a jerk but you’re so good at everything- games and getting girls and CASSANDRA-

REID sobering
Duncan, Dude- She’s coming to see you.

DUNCAN
WHAT?

REID
You heard me, Dunc. She’s coming to see YOU dude. She pinged me because she wanted to make sure I’d skedaddle in a bit.

DUNCAN
But she- you-

REID
She’s been crushing on YOU for a while. She’s been asking me what I thought. I told her you got all starry eyed whenever she came online.

DUNCAN
You-

REID grinning
NOW who’s the jerk?

DUNCAN
Reid, I’m- wow.

REID
handing DUNCAN’s controller to him
Yeah. I know.
They play for a moment

DUNCAN
Sorry about the water.

REID
It’s okay. My laptop was closed.

LIGHTS DOWN